Esoteric Wisdom for Getting Along with In-Laws: Kukai's Teaching to Ease the Relationships That Drain You

Why Do In-Laws Wear You Out So Much?

The parents-in-law, siblings-in-law, and relatives you came to deal with through marriage or family circumstances. Even knowing they are not bad people, spending time with them leaves you utterly drained. Minding your manners, choosing your words, keeping up a smile — by the time you get home you are spent. Many, many people are troubled by getting along with in-laws.

What makes this exhaustion difficult is that there is no clear ill will on the other side. That is precisely why you tend to blame yourself: "Am I cold for being this tired?" "Is it my fault for not handling it better?" But to suddenly open your heart, like family, to people with whom you share no blood and no long history together, is by no means easy in the first place.

The Shingon esoteric Buddhism Kukai transmitted holds a deep wisdom about how to grasp the bonds between people. It points to a freer, easier way of relating — different from the idea that "you must get along with everyone." In this article, for those worn out by getting along with in-laws, we introduce wisdom from the esoteric viewpoint to make that relationship a little easier.

Letting Go of "I Must Come to Love Them"

The first thing to let go of is the fixed belief that "since they are my in-laws, I must come to love them," "since we are family, we must connect deeply and honestly."

We tend to expect strong emotional bonds from the word "family." But in-laws are people who originally walked separate lives, with different values and customs. The harder you try to force yourself to love them, to understand them deeply, the more you will suffer the gap with reality.

From the esoteric viewpoint, there is no need to connect equally deeply with every single person. What matters is neither to love nor to dislike the other, but first to recognize, "this is a different human being." On that basis, relate at an easy, comfortable distance. Simply letting go of the pressure of "I must come to love them" makes the relationship with in-laws far lighter.

Kukai's Teaching of "Dependent Origination" and the Wisdom of Distance

Behind Kukai's teaching lies the Buddhist idea of "engi" — dependent origination. This is the view that all things exist not on their own, but arise from the overlapping of various conditions, or bonds.

Relationships are the same. Your bond with your in-laws was born from the bond between you and your spouse — a "bond of a bond," so to speak. It is a bond to be valued, but that does not mean every bond must be tied with the same intensity. Among bonds, some are to be tied deeply, while others are best kept gently, at a comfortable distance.

Esoteric Buddhism also has the idea of "kekkai" — a boundary. Originally it means the line that purifies a place of practice and separates sacred space from the outside, but this is wisdom that can be applied to relationships too. To protect your own heart, you gently draw a boundary line between yourself and the other. That is not coldness, but a healthy wisdom for valuing both yourself and the other. Drawing an appropriate "boundary" between yourself and your in-laws is nothing to feel guilty about.

When I Wore Myself Thin Behind a Smile

Let me share something of my own. There was a time when, each time a certain family gathering of relatives drew near, my heart grew heavy for days beforehand. They were all good people, yet in that setting I was always minding my manners, watching everyone's mood, keeping a smile on my face — and by the time I got home, my heart was worn completely thin.

On the way back from one gathering, fed up with my own exhaustion, something dawned on me. In that setting, out of a wish to "be thought of as a good person" and to "not make waves," I had been putting on a false self far more than necessary, and trying to step in far closer than necessary. I did not really need to draw that close, yet by forcing myself to shrink the distance, I was wearing myself out with my own hands.

After that, even at family gatherings, I stopped trying to force the conversation along, took the role of listener, and quietly drew a line in my heart: "I am I, and this person is this person." Then, strangely, the tension left my shoulders, and I could be present there more calmly than before. I felt then that taking distance is not pushing the other away; rather, it is the wisdom for facing the other gently while keeping yourself intact.

Esoteric Practices to Ease the Relationship with In-Laws

From here, for those worn out by getting along with in-laws, I will introduce concrete ways to bring esoteric wisdom into daily life.

First, recognize from the start that the other and you are different human beings. It is natural for values and customs to differ. Without trying to "correct" the difference, simply accept, "that is the kind of person they are." This one step greatly reduces needless friction and weariness. Just as an esoteric mandala depicts many different buddhas in harmony within one world, differences may simply coexist as they are.

Second, gently draw a "boundary" in your own heart. You need not match the other in everything. Quietly draw a line within: this far I engage, from here is my own domain. Where you can take physical distance, it is also important wisdom not to force yourself to stay long, but to wrap things up at a reasonable point.

Third, hold a time to settle your breath before and after meeting. Before a heavy gathering, pause for one breath, exhale long, and calm your heart before heading in. Afterward too, rather than blaming a worn-thin heart, quietly settle your breath and care for yourself. In esoteric Buddhism, the breath is held to be the bridge that orders the heart, and this one breath before and after aids recovery from weariness.

Fourth, do not take the other's words and actions too much to heart. A casual remark from an in-law may wound you deeply or set you brooding. But the other's words come from the other's own circumstances, and are not necessarily a judgment of you. From the esoteric view, holding a margin in your heart so as not to overreact to the other's words leads to protecting yourself.

Fifth, keep the minimum of courtesy and gratitude. Taking distance does not mean becoming rude. Greet them; at key moments, convey gratitude. As long as you keep that minimum courtesy, the relationship stays calm even without stepping in deeply. The spirit of "gratitude for kindness received" that esoteric Buddhism values can be fully shared even in a relationship of comfortable distance.

A Comfortable Distance Nurtures a Calm Relationship

Being worn out by getting along with in-laws is neither because you are cold nor because you are poor with people. In many cases, it is because you force yourself with "I must love them more," "I must connect more deeply."

The wisdom of dependent origination and boundary that Kukai taught reminds us that there is no need to tie every bond with the same intensity. Recognize differences, gently draw a boundary line in your heart, and keep a comfortable distance. That is not coldness, but a healthy wisdom for valuing both yourself and the other.

If you are wearing your heart thin in your dealings with in-laws, then the next time you meet, try just one thing. Without forcing yourself to be liked, quietly draw a line in your heart: "I am I, and this person is this person." That small boundary line will protect your heart and, on the contrary, give you the room to face the other calmly. Stop trying to force yourself closer. That will be the first step in gradually changing a wearisome relationship into an easier one.